Letter to a Yogurt

Dear Yoplait,

Hey – can we talk? I’ve been meaning to get something off my chest and I want to do it before it builds up too much and we both end up hating each other.

I don’t like how you’re built. Your containers. You have this conical shape with moats at the bottom and eaves at the top, which is incredibly frustrating because yogurt lodges in both places and is near impossible to get to. 

Because you are so delicious, I need all of you and your terrible package design has me rooting around for every last swipe of flavor. You make me feel like a dumpster diver on recycling day. And that’s not a good feeling.

My friends told me not to blame you. They say that you need to be the way you are because it’s the best way to ship you. I just can’t accept that and if it’s true, then I need to hear it from you directly. There are plenty of other yogurt containers out there that have flatter bottoms and sides that can be easily spooned. I know this because I’ve cheated on you—I’ve seen what else the market has to offer (you forced me to it, so let’s not point fingers). So what’s the real reason? Did you spend all of your money on taste testers instead of on product designers? Do you have some weird obsession with tunnels and ditches? Do you want to hurt all the people in your life? Just be honest with me.

You know very well that you have the best flavors out there and I love almost all 40 of them. It’s no secret that I can’t get over your Red Velvet Cake and your Key Lime Pie. That’s not the issue...no one is arguing that your best feature is the quality and diversity of your flavors. I just can’t stand how you are packaged and wanted to tell you because if you don’t change, I don’t know if this can work.

Think about it and let me know.

Love,

Ava E.

Broadcasters

I’ve reached the end of my rope with a certain personality type: the broadcasters. These are the people that talk and talk and need minimal interaction or connection with their listeners. Because God hates me, I’ve had a lot of interactions with Broadcasters recently and have decided that I need to either wear noise-cancelling headphones around all day or make some life changes to cut these personality types out completely. To avoid looking autistic, I’m opting for the latter.

If you have any of these qualities, I don’t want to be friends:

Travel Pet Peeves

I love to travel. I know that sounds trite and it’s the top hobby on every eHarmony profile in existence, but it’s true. I should qualify that statement though – I love experiencing new places but I hate airports and planes. They’re miserable. Some of my biggest pet peeves in life happen in transit and I’m going to use this post as a soapbox to vent about them.

If you happen to do any of these things, please slap yourself in the face or kindly confine yourself to the four walls of your home:

5 Types of Facebook Posts That Really Annoy Me

1. The cryptic post. Otherwise known as “vaguebooking”– the overly dramatic and incredibly annoying post hinting at some type of emotional Armageddon that is a blatant bid for attention (aka comments). It’s sometimes followed by a cheesy quote that was ripped from the headlines of a Hallmark store.

Some of my recent favorites from people who immediately earned an unfriend from me include:

Pro Sports Cheerleaders

I really don’t like pro sports cheerleaders, and it’s not for the reason you’re thinking. For the time being, we’ll set aside the obvious black eye these women give to feminism when they aspire to literally be on the sidelines and only act as support for the people who are getting all the fame, money and glory. I’ll leave that rant for a better person. The reason I don’t like pro cheerleaders is they’re too vanilla, too middle of the road. What I mean is that they aren’t really good at anything—they don’t have the athleticism of their collegiate counterparts and they don’t show enough skin to truly be eye candy.

Holiday Commercials

It’s dark on a well-groomed street. The camera zooms in on the window of a large house. Lightning cracks and a woman looking out the window jumps in terror and rushes into her man’s arms, careful not to snag her cashmere sweater on his Rolex. They are both in in their mid-30s, attractive and ethnically ambiguous (White? Hispanic? Mulatto? It’s impossible to tell…but we do feel like we know them!). Her boyfriend hugs her and reaches into the pocket of his pleated slacks, bringing out a velvet box. She forgets the big scary storm and looks shocked, opening the box to something incredibly sparkly. She smiles so bright that you think you can see Vaseline on her teeth as her boyfriend utters something completely ridiculous like “You never have to be scared again.” Is this an Off Off Off Broadway play or straight-to-DVD chick flick? No. This is an actual commercial for Jared Jewelers. One of the many poorly scripted and downright embarrassing commercials that beat us senseless from November to February each year.

All Natural

A few months ago we had a healthy eating presentation at my company. I happen to work in an office overrun with active, nutrition-conscious people, so it was a well-attended session. I personally prefer to exist on candy and burritos, but I was in one of my guilty “I’ve got to take better care of myself” phases and was ready to expand my horizons.

Sensitivity about cases

Something that consistently annoys me is the random capitalization of words. Granted, copywriting is my profession, but we’re talking about a basic grammar rule here.  Just to review, proper nouns should be capitalized—specific people, places and things like Joe, New York, Prius…you get the idea. But I often see people spitting in the eye of case sensitivity rules either because they “want to make a word stand out” or they are operating under some random pattern of composition that’s beyond me (and wrong).  I’m not referring to E.E. Cummings or any other author who uses an offbeat written style as art. I’m talking about the work colleague who sends emails titled “Stop stealing my Lunch out of the fridge” or the business that put up a sign advertising “Half off our Stuff that nobody wants.”

Merging

Merging on or off a freeway is apparently a complicated thing. I can only assume that because I see people struggle with it most days as I commute to and from work. Why is it complicated? I have no friggin' idea because anyone who's laced a shoe or braided hair knows that the best way to weave two things together is to follow a very simple A-B-A-B pattern. Car left, car right, car left, car right. But no--I see slammed brakes, swerving, and insistent blinkers all over the place. What could possibly be the problem? Maybe people have downshifted from autopilot into lobotomy. Or maybe they have been playing Angry Birds too much and are thinking they will be able to slingshot themselves through traffic. Or maybe they're just trying to squeeze one car ahead because that will save so much time! I don't really know, but creating fun scenarios to explain the complete lack of efficiency during freeway merges keeps me from losing it and shouting "A B A B" as I inch forward in traffic.

Anywayz

Anyways is not a word. Anyway is a word. It does not have a friend, it is not a twin, there are not a bunch of anyway hanging out. Not only do people pluralize the poor word by adding an "s," but it invariably ends up sounding like a "z." It's like the hissing of a snake as someone makes a lazy verbal transition from a topic. For example: "And then I finally had it and told her I'd hang my clothes on wire hangers if I wanted to. (SIGH) Anywayzzzzsssss, what's up with your family?"

Tinker Bell

Why does everyone like Tinker Bell so much? I get that she's tiny and blonde. And it's pretty cool that she can fly. But she's moody as hell and communicates by squeaking. Plus, she literally can't live without the applause of others. How did a mute diva ever one-up Mulan?