Holiday Commercials

It’s dark on a well-groomed street. The camera zooms in on the window of a large house. Lightning cracks and a woman looking out the window jumps in terror and rushes into her man’s arms, careful not to snag her cashmere sweater on his Rolex. They are both in in their mid-30s, attractive and ethnically ambiguous (White? Hispanic? Mulatto? It’s impossible to tell…but we do feel like we know them!). Her boyfriend hugs her and reaches into the pocket of his pleated slacks, bringing out a velvet box. She forgets the big scary storm and looks shocked, opening the box to something incredibly sparkly. She smiles so bright that you think you can see Vaseline on her teeth as her boyfriend utters something completely ridiculous like “You never have to be scared again.” Is this an Off Off Off Broadway play or straight-to-DVD chick flick? No. This is an actual commercial for Jared Jewelers. One of the many poorly scripted and downright embarrassing commercials that beat us senseless from November to February each year.


Aside from the cretinistic behavior our society devolves into on Black Friday, these ads typify how we pander to the lowest common denominator during seasons that are supposed to be about family, love and peace. Needless to say, I am not a fan and watching most jewelry commercials makes me want to take a hot poker to my eyes. I think we can all agree that jewelry commercials are the worst, with car commercials coming in at a close second in terms of pure asininity. (Who really ties a giant bow on a car?! Target charges almost $10 for a small velvet bow…one big enough to cover the hood of a car would cost more than the moon roof option. So stupid.)

Are we really this shallow? Or maybe the better question is, are we really this gullible? There is nothing unique or thoughtful about buying accessories from a jewelry store—just because those accessories are bedazzled does not change the fact that they are template designs made in bulk by the nimble fingers of children in some Asian sweatshop. And the luxury cars…they’re everywhere on the streets but people seem to covet them as an exotic rarity. How did we get so brainwashed?

I have no problem with liking things that sparkle or accelerate from 0-60 mph in two seconds, but at least have the common sense to realize you can’t tie emotion or thoughtfulness to these empty totems. For some reason, those crappy commercials get us to buy into the drivel that love is correlated to expensive gifts. It sours my enjoyment of the holidays--the commercials are so bad, but god help us, they work and I resent them for it.
I don’t get it and I probably never will. But I do know that I would be selling my soul if I ever decided to envy some prissy woman who’s scared of lightning.