Special Thanks to Emily for Being Beautiful

It goes without saying that YouTube is a never-ending vortex of entertainment—72 hours of video is uploaded every minute, which is just crazy. So we all spend too much time sorting through media that is mildly entertaining because every so often we discover a hidden gem.

I have a friend at work who is especially talented at digging these gems up and here’s one of his best finds, “Music Video for Emily”:

Alzheimer's Prevention Plan

One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to develop Alzheimer's. It's a little morbid, but I can't help it and it obviously gets worse with every passing year. Plus, I saw a movie on a plane a few years ago about a happy elderly couple; the wife gets Alzheimer's, forgets about her husband, and falls in love with someone else. I was bawling for an hour straight. It was a terrible movie selection on my part because it only heightened my fear and it completely stressed out the guy sitting next to me.

To give myself an illusion of control, I've developed an Alzheimer's Prevention Plan. This plan consists of tangible steps I can take to keep my mind sharp and nimble into my golden years, ensuring I'll be perfectly aware of my itchy Depends and deteriorating driving skills.

Letter to a Yogurt

Dear Yoplait,

Hey – can we talk? I’ve been meaning to get something off my chest and I want to do it before it builds up too much and we both end up hating each other.

I don’t like how you’re built. Your containers. You have this conical shape with moats at the bottom and eaves at the top, which is incredibly frustrating because yogurt lodges in both places and is near impossible to get to. 

Because you are so delicious, I need all of you and your terrible package design has me rooting around for every last swipe of flavor. You make me feel like a dumpster diver on recycling day. And that’s not a good feeling.

My friends told me not to blame you. They say that you need to be the way you are because it’s the best way to ship you. I just can’t accept that and if it’s true, then I need to hear it from you directly. There are plenty of other yogurt containers out there that have flatter bottoms and sides that can be easily spooned. I know this because I’ve cheated on you—I’ve seen what else the market has to offer (you forced me to it, so let’s not point fingers). So what’s the real reason? Did you spend all of your money on taste testers instead of on product designers? Do you have some weird obsession with tunnels and ditches? Do you want to hurt all the people in your life? Just be honest with me.

You know very well that you have the best flavors out there and I love almost all 40 of them. It’s no secret that I can’t get over your Red Velvet Cake and your Key Lime Pie. That’s not the issue...no one is arguing that your best feature is the quality and diversity of your flavors. I just can’t stand how you are packaged and wanted to tell you because if you don’t change, I don’t know if this can work.

Think about it and let me know.

Love,

Ava E.

5 Best Reasons to Become a Minister

Recently I became an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church (ULC). The rigorous certification process involved typing my name and email, and then clicking the mouse twice. Shazaam - I now have lifetime authorization to preside over weddings, baptisms, and funerals. I couldn't be happier to join this elite group of millions.

I think being a woman of the cloth suits me. I had the honor of marrying one of my closest friends and it was truly a special moment. Not only does being a minister allow me to be an integral part of these important ceremonies, but there are also a few underlying perks that really ice the cake.

Broadcasters

I’ve reached the end of my rope with a certain personality type: the broadcasters. These are the people that talk and talk and need minimal interaction or connection with their listeners. Because God hates me, I’ve had a lot of interactions with Broadcasters recently and have decided that I need to either wear noise-cancelling headphones around all day or make some life changes to cut these personality types out completely. To avoid looking autistic, I’m opting for the latter.

If you have any of these qualities, I don’t want to be friends:

Crap My Boyfriend Brings Home

My boyfriend, BK, loves to shop at thrift stores. I fully support this approach and if he were just going when he needed some new clothes or kitchenware, it would be no big deal. But this is something entirely different.

BK hits up two to three thrift stores a week. I’ve studied this creature in his natural habitat for many moons, trying figure out why the trips are so frequent and here’s my conclusion: part of it is practical (he’s incredibly generous and always buying people things they might need, and he also makes a decent profit reselling things on eBay) and the other part is a clever disguise for a mild case of OCD.

Travel Pet Peeves

I love to travel. I know that sounds trite and it’s the top hobby on every eHarmony profile in existence, but it’s true. I should qualify that statement though – I love experiencing new places but I hate airports and planes. They’re miserable. Some of my biggest pet peeves in life happen in transit and I’m going to use this post as a soapbox to vent about them.

If you happen to do any of these things, please slap yourself in the face or kindly confine yourself to the four walls of your home: