Holiday Commercials

It’s dark on a well-groomed street. The camera zooms in on the window of a large house. Lightning cracks and a woman looking out the window jumps in terror and rushes into her man’s arms, careful not to snag her cashmere sweater on his Rolex. They are both in in their mid-30s, attractive and ethnically ambiguous (White? Hispanic? Mulatto? It’s impossible to tell…but we do feel like we know them!). Her boyfriend hugs her and reaches into the pocket of his pleated slacks, bringing out a velvet box. She forgets the big scary storm and looks shocked, opening the box to something incredibly sparkly. She smiles so bright that you think you can see Vaseline on her teeth as her boyfriend utters something completely ridiculous like “You never have to be scared again.” Is this an Off Off Off Broadway play or straight-to-DVD chick flick? No. This is an actual commercial for Jared Jewelers. One of the many poorly scripted and downright embarrassing commercials that beat us senseless from November to February each year.

Pat West

I met Ms. Pat West in Vons grocery store on a cold night awhile back. To give some background on my mental state, I hate grocery shopping; in fact, I wish I could just be done with the bother of food and get fed through an IV. On this particular night, I was in full-blown whine mode and escalating towards an adult tantrum while my boyfriend pushed me around in the cart and patiently ignored me.

Down the home supplies aisle, I noticed an elderly lady patting her coat pockets and looking on the shelves for something.

All Natural

A few months ago we had a healthy eating presentation at my company. I happen to work in an office overrun with active, nutrition-conscious people, so it was a well-attended session. I personally prefer to exist on candy and burritos, but I was in one of my guilty “I’ve got to take better care of myself” phases and was ready to expand my horizons.

Grown Up

I love being an adult. Some people like to moon over the golden, worry-free playgrounds of days gone by, but not me. I always chafed under the constraints of childhood; I didn’t have a problem with authority, I was just stubborn and liked to do what I liked to do. When my parents—as parents everywhere—would say “you can do whatever you want when you’re grown up, but for now you’ll follow my rules” I remember burning with resentment at their unreasonable demands to clean my room or share with my sister and thinking “I can’t wait, you’ll be sorry you didn’t let me spread my wings earlier.” Turns out, most of their guidance was fundamentally needed, but the 10-year-old version of me was right to presume that I’d love the freedom of being a grown up.

Sensitivity about cases

Something that consistently annoys me is the random capitalization of words. Granted, copywriting is my profession, but we’re talking about a basic grammar rule here.  Just to review, proper nouns should be capitalized—specific people, places and things like Joe, New York, Prius…you get the idea. But I often see people spitting in the eye of case sensitivity rules either because they “want to make a word stand out” or they are operating under some random pattern of composition that’s beyond me (and wrong).  I’m not referring to E.E. Cummings or any other author who uses an offbeat written style as art. I’m talking about the work colleague who sends emails titled “Stop stealing my Lunch out of the fridge” or the business that put up a sign advertising “Half off our Stuff that nobody wants.”

The Bunny

The other day I went to my neighborhood park to enjoy two of my favorite activities: reading in the sun and people watching. As I got settled on my blanket, there was one lady who immediately caught my eye. She was meandering down the middle of the small park and looked like she had just woken up (it was early afternoon). Her hair was doing a great imitation of a bird's nest and she was wearing a very thin t-shirt without a bra. To each his own fashion sense, but this was a kid-friendly park and the bright sunlight wasn't doing her natural form any favors. And then I noticed she was holding a leash and walking a pet. And the pet happened to be a giant rabbit. This hungover hippie was walking a huge gray bunny. Of course you expect to see dogs around. And I have a soft spot in my heart for the crazy old lady who pushes her cat around in a wire basket on wheels. But a bunny?

Merging

Merging on or off a freeway is apparently a complicated thing. I can only assume that because I see people struggle with it most days as I commute to and from work. Why is it complicated? I have no friggin' idea because anyone who's laced a shoe or braided hair knows that the best way to weave two things together is to follow a very simple A-B-A-B pattern. Car left, car right, car left, car right. But no--I see slammed brakes, swerving, and insistent blinkers all over the place. What could possibly be the problem? Maybe people have downshifted from autopilot into lobotomy. Or maybe they have been playing Angry Birds too much and are thinking they will be able to slingshot themselves through traffic. Or maybe they're just trying to squeeze one car ahead because that will save so much time! I don't really know, but creating fun scenarios to explain the complete lack of efficiency during freeway merges keeps me from losing it and shouting "A B A B" as I inch forward in traffic.

Anywayz

Anyways is not a word. Anyway is a word. It does not have a friend, it is not a twin, there are not a bunch of anyway hanging out. Not only do people pluralize the poor word by adding an "s," but it invariably ends up sounding like a "z." It's like the hissing of a snake as someone makes a lazy verbal transition from a topic. For example: "And then I finally had it and told her I'd hang my clothes on wire hangers if I wanted to. (SIGH) Anywayzzzzsssss, what's up with your family?"

Tinker Bell

Why does everyone like Tinker Bell so much? I get that she's tiny and blonde. And it's pretty cool that she can fly. But she's moody as hell and communicates by squeaking. Plus, she literally can't live without the applause of others. How did a mute diva ever one-up Mulan?